A Life in Pride

 

    What is pride? For most of my life, I believed that pride was the feeling that you are superior to others. I thought this was a nauseating quality that nobody should ever want to have. Confidence? Sure. But pride? How selfish! How absolutely repulsive that would be!

    This seems to be what the idea of pride is in many themes. One of my favorite references is Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. The Evil Queen was her very own undoing in this story. If “fairest of them all” doesn’t tell you everything you need to know about this woman’s ego, then her unwavering determination to be the center of attention will. But what if we got it wrong?

    Over the past few years I have realized that my definition of pride has been erroneous. I thought of pride as this vile feeling that poisons the mind but that wasn’t quite unerring. In fact, it is the exact opposite. 

    Oxford Dictionary defines pride as a feeling of pleasure or satisfaction that you get when you or people who are connected with you have done something well or own something that other people admire. When I hadn’t ever thought to look up the black and white definition of pride up until a couple of years ago. I had to read it a few times to make sure that it meant what I thought it did. 

    Pride. It’s something to be proud of. It was such an alien thought. I grew up in a Southern Baptist household and church so obviously pride and homosexuality weren’t exactly trending. For most of my life, I had no idea how large, loving, and compassionate the LGBTQ+ community is. I remember picking up and moving down to Florida from Connecticut overnight with my boyfriend. 

    Orlando was a lot different than my tiny little hometown of Naugatuck. For starters, men regularly dress up in flamboyant attire painted with every color of the rainbow. I had never seen anything like that back home. It was here that I began to learn more about the community I’m a part of. I discovered how strong the sense of acquiescence is within the LGBTQ+ family and how unrelentingly strong and courageous the individuals within it truly are. 

    For years, this was paradise. So many of the people I had met regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity were so unbelievably affirming to what I felt. I was happy, safe, and I had more friends than I could count on both hands. What I didn’t know is the toll that this happiness would take on me. It wasn’t until recently that I had an epiphany and reality slapped me in the face. 

    “I’m from Orlando.” I can vividly remember saying out loud to myself. In an instant, I was an emotional wreck that could barely function let alone figure out why I was crying. I felt so many emotions rushing through me at once as if I were a surge protector that just blew a fuse because it had too many wires plugged into it. After a scalding hot shower and a cup of tea, I finally came to the realization of why I was feeling these emotions.

    Orlando is a bubble that is filled with love, affirmation, and diversity. These bubbles exist all over the country from New York City to the state of California. But what happens when you travel outside of these bubbles to parts of places like Kentucky, Kansas, Texas, or the Midwest? People are being brutally murdered simply for the color of their skin, the gender that they identify with, or because of who they love. Teenagers and adults are being bullied into suicide and chronic depression. For some strange reason we’ve come to believe that these things stopped happening a couple of decades ago. They didn’t.

    So many members of the LGBTQ+ community are forced to stay in the closet because of where they live. Because of what hatred might cause people to do in retaliation against them.

    After thinking for a long while, it was so crystal clear why I had become so upset at the thought of myself living in Orlando. I get to carry such happiness and pride around within everything that I do. I get to feel the empowerment that comes with slipping on six inch black velvet pumps with golden buckles decorating either side. I get to feel the happiness of being able to kiss another man in public without anyone batting an eye. 

I am sad.

I am upset.

I am emotional.

I am concerned.

But more than anything, I am pissed off.

    The fact that I can actively live this way on a daily basis while there are people suffering for doing these same things in different locations creates so much anger in my heart.

    So yes… It is important to have pride in who you are and it is so crucial to love yourself. But please remember those who don’t have a voice to speak out. Remember those who are still at war with hatred. Together, we can amplify our voices to truly make a difference. We can use our voices to save lives. Please use your voice and never let anyone silence you.